15 days.

You realize in 15 days, what you never could, in all those 120 days of working.

15 days of not having a job or rent money or a backup or any kind of plan and still choosing to stay rather than giving it up all and running back where you started from.

14 days of feeling a searing helplessness inside yourself as your bank account stares at you with a fat zero in your face.

13 days of trying to sell yourself out on a piece of paper which fails to identify with you as closely as it rather should.

12 days of taking rejections in your face and not bending the knee.

11 days of clinging on to a tiny voice inside you that keeps reiterating, everything will fall back in place.

10 days of drowning in your own mess, while trying to breathe through your sudden seizures and emotional downpours. Additionally, you learn what insomnia feels like.

9 days of having forgotten, how looking up at the sky and guzzling the sun, felt like.

8 days of not knowing where you’re going, not knowing where you’ve come.

7 days of nurturing your grit and learning to believe in yourself, though learning it the hard way.

6 days of making wild acceptances of your truth and making peace with what now is, rather than regretting what then used to be.

5 days of working hard, chasing opportunities and decoding your self worth all along the way.

4 days of catching new possibilities blossom while you stand at a crossroads yet again, wrestling with your indecisiveness, bubbling with a hunger to leap in all of the directions beckoning you to explore them.

3 days of setting foot in new shoes and walking on, though knowing inside that they are the same old feet who will wander off, wherever they want, and not where they are made to.

2 days of relearning to look at the sky the same way again, and  flashing the sun, an overwhelming smile, across all those lightyears in between.

1 day of buzzing overwhelmingly with new expectations, standing at the plinth of your new beginnings, not afraid of the fall, now that you’ve already uncovered what the bottom feels like.

‘normal’.

They tell you that you are not good enough, that you don’t fit in, that you don’t meet their expectations, that even though you have been putting in efforts, this ‘you and they’ thing is not working anymore. Funny, that is also how your relationship panned out in the end. ‘It is not working.’ He had said to you that night, the last night you ever talked to each other, that you had not put in enough efforts to save the relationship, that you would have had, had it meant the world to you but you never did, that you had failed him miserably, that in that case, you were not good enough, for him.

May be, you fail everybody in a way. Atleast that’s what you can make out of it all. You feel your incapability to live upto people’s expectations, your brokenness. You feel you are unfulfilling. You feel unfulfilled yourself. You feel like a defective part, incapable of being pieced in with anything, anywhere.

You start looking for new opportunities, places where you would fit in, work that will appeal to you as much as the people present around. Alt+O+C +Afit inside the box or may be stretch it enough to accommodate all of yourself inside it. That’s what Excel does with its data, when it has to make sure that everything looks pretty normal. You have been using these keys all day long, every day now, and you wish, someone could press those buttons on you in real life and then everything would become so much more accommodating than it really is. Then you would have stayed. You could have stayed for as long as you like.

What’s ‘normal‘ anyway? Everyone has their own normal and two normals never run parallel to each other. So normal is a relative term, you conclude. And your normal does not necessarily need to coincide with those of others. Or even to your previous self’s. Infact, you keep bending your own normals and drawing yourself new ones, every once in a while. Which, in turn, is a perfectly normal thing to do.

You think you will miss people. But you don’t want to start that cassette now. You know you are an emotional disaster who feels stuff on inexplicable levels and once you start, there’s no going back. So you avoid even saying it out loud. To them. But you know it in your heart, that some words have been exchanged and some moments have been lived and they will stay with you forever. That’s what happens anyway, right? Whomever you meet, a part of them lingers on with you forever, in some way or another. And  a part of you leaks through and appends to their life, though they might never become aware of it at all.

It is 2 A.M. You tap open the gallery in your phone and look at the photo for the fifth time today. You and he, together, smiling. May be, both of you could have done pretty well together, you wonder. Reality spells otherwise. You didn’t even wish him a ‘Happy New Year’ a few days back. You couldn’t bring yourself to, after all that has transpired between you and him. All those years together and can’t utter three words to each other now. Some day he had meant the world to you, tonight you just lie on your bed and wish the world for him and go back to sleep.