You are sitting somewhere at the back, amidst (a crowd of!) outspoken people, who dare to sweep the world with an animated sway of their hands, with a subtle movement of their lips somehow magically in sync with everything of what they stand for, with a strange conviction in their eyes that makes heads turn.
Going all inquisitive-eyes-and-a-racing-heart, you watch them one-by-one take the room by storm with an unflinching clatter of their tongues. It will take you a magnanimous amount of courage or a probably a mammoth-size confidence to replicate that, you wonder.
It’s not as if you never tried. You WANT this. To let go of the fear. To not think too much for once. To just pull the plug on your unnerving train of thoughts rightaway. To unclasp yourself from its clutches right now, right THIS moment.
But. But it has got its hooks in you fairly deeper than you can imagine.
So following the common rationale, you inquire to get yourself enrolled in a class to fight this fear. To unlearn holding yourself back.
Oh, it will cost 5000 bucks, they say, and the market rates even go as high as 10-15k. However, you can claim your freedom easily at 5k. Such a neatly-bowed-nice-little-bumper-surprise offer especially for you. Cheers!
And. And, you could actually make away with the ‘steal’.
Only if you knew how to put a price tag on personal battles. Only if you knew how to swoop in and out of a feeling by swiping a credit card. Only if the fee could transact your inhibition out of you forever, and leave you transformed at the deepest subatomic levels (perhaps the soul-ar level?)
But honestly, you just cannot connect with the idea. Neither can you afford the bill. So you opt out of the initiative you took rather excitedly a few minutes back, feeling a bit diminished for a slight second. You just stand there, a little-lesser version of yourself, resigning to giving up, succumbing to the fear, settling for anxiety for a lifetime-of-emotions…
all of a sudden
a tiny voice s-c-r-e-a-m-s.
Rattling through and above all the noise.
listen to me! listen to me!
you ain’t gotta trade no money for courage
you’ve got to reorient yourself and look.
look at the right place for once.
there’s an eternal supply within.