This is one of those nights when you huddle in a corner of your bed and type. You contemplate your choices. In your heart you know what you truly want. But it is just not coinciding with your reality in the present moment.
Your head is a mess of things, more than you can comfortably accommodate. Perhaps that’s why you are calling it a mess.
You think you are like a mayfly. You live for the moment, in the moment, very well on guard about the impermanence of everything.
You cannot sleep most nights because there are dreams, not those that overpower you while you sleep, these are the ones that are tugging at your heartstrings to keep you awake, all night, until your eyelids become too heavy to carry their weight and you drift off.
You completely abhor people asking you questions about your whereabouts, telling you where you should or should not go. You have waited so long, expecting them to understand you are mature and wise enough to make your own decisions, to act out of your free will. And still it looks like, the knowledge has hardly seeped in. How long will you wait more,to be finally free of this burden? At one point, something snaps inside you and you just cease to bother anymore.
You are working in a domain you can hardly care about. And it reflects perfectly in your work, the nonchalance about it all. Still you take it as a challenge, the capability to focus on it, and try to improve on the performance everyday. At the end of the week, your truth glaringly stares you in your face and you know, that all that effort, all that time, has trickled down to a progress, if it can be called any, assessable only on some submolecular level. Fuck, you have shrunk down all the scales of measurement.
You look at yourself in the mirror, and see an average looking girl who will hardly ever amount to anything if not for her words, her stories, her laughter. You graze your fingers down the glass and smile. You are perfect for yourself in your head. And you will achieve all that you set out to. You notice that the curve of the smile has deepened.
On weekends you go out to watch the best sunsets in town. You are walking listlessly down a road and there it is ,the orange ball of gold glaring at you, some miles up the road. You drink the view in, gulp it down your memory lanes, along with a hot chai. The steam arises from the kullhadh as you soak it all in, and the experience is akin to heaven.
For the first time in weeks, you arrive at a decision. This one, you have made yourself, for yourself. This time, you have allowed no one to nose in and sit like an unwanted blob upon your life, to plague your mind with their opinions, to rewire your brain according to their mindsets, to pencil in their own crap in your to-do lists. And you are well aware that it is going to be hard, that the sail will not be smooth, but you are ready to put yourself all out, on the line, to pursue that flicker of a dream that keeps you burning through the night.
You come home, to a kitchen overflowing with unwashed dishes and bins overloaded with garbage. You are hungry and scour your fridge impatiently but can only spot milk cartons and corn flakes boxes propped in a corner. The house demands cleaning and you know you’ve got a lot of work on your hands. It is quite exhausting, the cleaning , the maintenance, the daily chores, but never once did the thought of going back crossed your mind. You just cannot bear to live otherwise, devoid of your free will. You freedom is more important to you than home-cooked food and a squeaky clean kitchen. You are going to clean it anyway. May be tomorrow. Or soon enough.
Somewhere an analogy strikes. There are always good and bad sides to taking a leap,and just as this one you took months ago, has its beautiful and ugly moments, may be the ones you take next, will have their own set of paradoxes that will be fully capable of a safe coexistence. Do whatever you want to, have always wanted to. You are going to be alright.
You resign yourself to bed at night, holding a hot cup of Bournvita with the TV tuned in to Travel Xp. You wish to travel around the world like this one day and your head already buzzes with excitement.
But you’ve got office tomorrow.
It is getting colder now and you pull you blanket closer, turn on a side and sleep. But not before you have read a few pages of the book you have lately been obsessed with . Time crunch just doesn’t cut it. Responsibilities or no responsibilities, you’ve got to live for what you live for.