revelation.

You don’t know what’s real anymore. You come back home exhausted from a job that hardly feeds your soul, rather it crushes it, moulds it like plastic into forms you cannot recognize anymore. No, don’t get scared, it’s not a bad job to start with. Atleast, it’s not one of those jobs that are physically excruciating, or frugally paying. No, this one is diamond compared to that crap. Or, so everyone else says. But you, you just can’t wrap your head around it. You cannot dabble in numbers, you forget things, you attend training lessons you don’t remember after two days. It does not surprise you anymore, how you write down formulas in your notebook ( it looks like you are the only one putting your notebook to that kind of use in office!) and still manage to get the syntax wrong the the next time you type them into your computer. You send out wrong files, wrong emails to wrong people. You can easily imagine firing yourself had you been calling the shots, you are that pathetic at it. But they are keeping you. Persevering with you. Wow, they must be saints in a parallel universe, you think.

You come home to a terrace flooded with a full moon glinting at your face and your eyes light up more than the two 15 W LEDs you had had fitted in your room just because you are scared of being alone in a dimly-lit space even with the TV blaring out at full volume. But on the roof, strangely, you like the darkness, you dig it, probably even love it. You might be weirdly wired, you think for a split-second. ‘Probably’, you second yourself.

You get friends over, for a beer or two. Mostly, to drown your misery into that poison and coat ‘happy’ all over your day or atleast over the fagends of it. You gulp it down, one bottle after another and as the more of that goes inside, the more of you comes out. At first it is all frivolous talk, like how it is so cold up here and how the streets look all colorful and the night sky looks so beautiful. You are blurting out things you don’t usually tell people. You say, you love the metro ride back home from office every evening when it gets all dark, and that, you always stand glued to the glass doors, perfectly adjacent to them, and even when it’s all crowded you would kill for that space, to watch the lights glittering in the distance because they look like stars and make you think you have descended upon a magical landscape. You say, you love the chill, the terrace, the sky, the vastness of it all, encompassing you from all dimensions but oddly, making you feel more liberated than ever. You are talking so feverishly now, you just cannot shut up. Like someone has uncorked a lid somewhere and years of  subdued emotions have come bubbling to the surface and are spilling out, eager to make their presence known, eager to occupy a space around you, eager to fill the void of those usually-hollow talks with their weight and volume and density and all that makes matter matter for real . You cannot stop smiling. You are happy. Period.

And then it is their weight that pulls you down. Those emotions. They are all over the place now. You feel like your life is dangling mid-air and you are crying. You cry and brawl and shriek your heart out. You cling to that dusty piece of floor underneath you and let out screams that have been suffocating you from within, since what feels like forever, screams that come out, throbbing with an intensity that has compounded over the years, screams that have caught you unguarded, you were not aware what you were capable of unleashing . You are not conscious that you are baring the darkest corners of your heart to people. You are making it known that you are vulnerable. You always end up putting yourself in an inexplicable position like that. You are not too proud of it either.

The next morning, they will tell you that you had thrown them out of your house the previous night. You won’t believe them. You will beg them to tell you what had exactly transpired, and in the exact chronological order that it had , but they will be so mad at you, that they wont divulge a thing. They will break off from you. You won’t be able to process what’s happening or figure out the WHYs of it for that matter. Once the hangover lifts in the evening, you will go back to your phone, explore it more intricately, only to find thirty eight voice messages that you had sent out to them, drunk, the night before. Probably after you had actually thrown them out. You will listen to your own voice and cringe. You will feel embarrassed by your own words. You had never wanted to hurt anyone! Or sever your ties with them! And then you will recall how much you had cried. This will make you feel vulnerable again. You will feel exposed. No, overexposed. Like you have let on, more than you should have. Rendering your soul open to someone pinches you more than baring your body naked to them.

You will feel lost and helpless, because you won’t remember a thing and no one will be willing to give you the truth. You will feel bad about yourself, you will feel ugly, for having treated people like shit. So you will immediately call them up to apologize. But they won’t take your calls. You will text them. But they won’t reply. Or probably even read. You will feel hurt, broken, unsure of what the truth is, uncertain of what to do next.

You will live bogged down under the weight of this mess for a good many days. You will even think that you create problems for yourself on your own and that, may be, you have always nurtured a habit for it. You will live like a sorry soul. For days and days to follow.

But these days will pass.

Soon you will realize that you can no longer allow situations to get the better of you, that you can no longer let your circumstances exploit you. You will learn that you control your happiness from within yourself and that no external factor can tamper with it, if you don’t give out the permits.

And so you will heal. You will write. You will read books that will blow your mind, that will spring open pathways for you that you didn’t know, to have existed before. And you will write. You will meet new people whose words will not fall like mere ramblings on your ears, whose words will make sense to you, whose company will be fun and exciting. You will forge new friendships, even relationships, there are all kinds of it, and for the first time, you will not feel afraid of experimenting. And you will write.You will write down all your experiences, feelings, emotions, traumas and breakthroughs like you are lettering your soul on paper, lending it a tangible form and shape and color for real. You will laugh carelessly, talk unapologetically, fearless of being judged or shamed. You will hold liberal views but strong opinions on anything and everything. You will become your own person. You won’t be able to please everyone but you will hardly care for it anymore.

You had never been the one to wake up early morning, but soon you will live like you exist for watching the sun rise everyday. No matter how cold or sleepy you are, you will wrap yourself in that warm and comfy blanket of yours, plug in your earphones, tune in to your favourite song, unlock the door, head upstairs and watch the magic unfurl on the roof. Life will once again become beautiful. It will all make sense, the pink and orange and yellow smudged across the sky in uneven streaks, because in the middle of it all, a ball of red rising out of nowhere, gradually turning golden, will shine for you as a metaphor to your life.

And, you will not just start loving yourself, you will fall in love with yourself and though they sound almost similar, when it will actually happen to you, they will feel a world apart from each other.

And do you remember, how you had always been asking yourself to save yourself, from yourself?

Yeah, you will change in a way that you will no longer need to.

28 thoughts on “revelation.

  1. Anytime, darling. Whatever happened with me, I don’t want it to happen with anyone else.
    Stay blessed and take good care of yourself. ❤

    Like

  2. Anytime, darling. Whatever happened with me, I don’t want it to happen with anyone else.
    Stay blessed and take good care of yourself ❤

    Like

  3. You shouldn’t expose your vulnerability to people. You should stay strong. People might not give you good advice and might take advantage of that. You threw him out of your place might not be your fault, maybe he was trying to take advantage of you and you don’t remember that, because you were drunk. I guess you are going through a rough patch, but don’t let such people ruin your life. He’s not replying to your texts? What kind of a person is he? He was there for you that night, but why not now? You denied pleasure to him? I advice you to stay away from him.

    I have been through this. After my breakup, a very old friend of mine took advantage of me. I felt good at that time, because someone was there for me. It was same as before, someone is there to hear me out. But, that was all superficial. And when I realised it, I stopped having sex with him and he won’t even pick up my phone. Maybe the price for listening to my sad stories was sex for him. Even today, I feel guilty about that, but I won’t do that again.

    Looks like you also had a breakup. Don’t slip into stupid things, it will hurt you in future. Just give it sometime. You’ll be fine.

    Like

    1. Thankyou for your advice Martha! I cannot believe it, you are talking about the exact thing I was trying to tell! I am sorry you had to go through so much of shit.

      He was a friend of mine, not very close though. I don’t remember why exactly I shouted at him and asked him to leave. I don’t even remember doing that either.

      Yes, I had a breakup. I don’t know what I want. I am quite messed up. Anyway, I will keep your advice in mind. Thanks a lot for showing so much of care and love.❤️

      Like

      1. I know you’ll be fine. You should take care of yourself. Keep your mind engaged and don’t cry. Write stuff, do what you love but never over-expose your vulnerabilities. You’ll get hurt unless you deeply know that person. Don’t cry over your breakup, think about why you guys broke up and is it worth getting back together? Don’t do anything in a hurry, just take your time.
        Take care.

        Like

    2. And no,he’s not replying to my texts. Did not pick up my call either. I feel now, like I don’t know who he really is.

      Anyway, I have stopped caring about it or atleast have decided to start doing that. I hope, I will be alright soon. Thankyou for sharing your own story with me. Are you okay now? I really wish you find everything you’ve always wanted. 🙂

      Like

      1. Yes, I am very happy now. That was a bad phase and learned a lot after that. You’ll also find happiness in life, maybe you have it and you just don’t know.

        Like

      2. Yes, obviously why will he be in touch with you now. Same thing happened with me as I told you. He was nowhere to be seen. I felt shattered and mistaken. There are wolves and sheeps in this world. You should know who are the wolves. Don’t repeat the mistake of being friends with him again. Good luck

        Like

    3. We broke up because to me, it felt like he was encroaching too much upon my personal space. I felt like we were not on the same page, like he didn’t get me, like he was not understanding enough. I had to give constant justifications and explanations for everything I did. That really bugged me a lot.

      But somewhere I think, we both want different things from our lives, at this stage of our lives. He is not wrong in what he wants. But I don’t want to feel apologetic either, about living the way I want to live. Sometimes I feel, I will never be capable enough of keeping him happy because he always puts the relationship first and I am always putting people first. He says, I shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t do that, because our relationship will get affected by it. Then I start feeling I cannot love a person who cages me, and makes the relationship hang like a burden upon my shoulders, like a constant weight breathing down my neck. Because then I start to think, I am a living, breathing individual standing right infront of him and all he can see is what the relationship wants, not what I want or feel, for that matter!

      I have started feeling that we are just cut out from two different fabrics altogether. I feel guilty too, for not being enough for him, for letting it all go like this. But I don’t want to hurt him anymore by continuing in this way. I wish him all the good for his life,with all my heart. I wish he really finds what he has always been looking for. Because clearly, I am not the person that fits in, with him.

      Like

      1. Well, it’s your decision to be in that relationship or not. You know better. But, you should not let people like him take advantage of your vulnerabilities. Take a deep breath and think what is good for you. Decisions taken in heat of the moment are the decisions you regret in life and you will feel guilty for them all your life. You should slow down a bit and figure out what you should do.

        Like

      2. From what you said about your guy, I guess he possessive. From my experience, this is how most of the guys are and I find it normal. I even feel good sometimes when my guy feels possessive and jealous. Guys feel insecure, idk they are like that only. You should try comforting him and giving it another shot. Don’t go by my words, do whatever your heart says.

        Like

  4. Anytime, darling. Whatever happened with me, I don’t want it to happen with anyone else.
    Stay blessed and take good care of yourself. ❤

    Like

  5. Yes, i am healing now and thinking about positive things only. Negative people aren’t allowed in my life anymore. You should do the same. Thank you for your kind words.

    Like

  6. Something similar happened with me. I can relate to your story a lot. Some guys are just assholes. You should stay away from him. Don’t act like a fool and feel sorry. never show your vulnerabilities to such people, they will harm you in long term.

    Like

      1. No, I am still suffering because of that. He made my life miserable. Don’t even ask what I had to go through. Wish I had known this before. Inspite of all my friends telling me the truth, I trusted him blindly and he turned out to be an untrustworthy piece of shit. I was a fool. I should suffer for that.

        Like

      2. Oh, I am really sorry for what you had to go through. I get it that you feel like your life is ruined. But you will heal. You will change. And you will find someone who deserves you. Please stop blaming yourself for the shit he made you go through. Whatever kind of person he is, he will live that kind of life, he will live the consequences of what he does to people, to himself. We all make mistakes. But the good thing is now you know him for what he really is. And now you can let go of him and save yourself. You are a beautiful soul and you will find all the beautiful things in the world, only if you choose to see them. Don’t settle for what you have brought upon yourself. Good things await you, all the happy things, magical things, bright opportunities, and a beautiful future, but if you choose to close your door upon them, then you will never sail across and reach out to them from wherever you are now.

        Please start thinking positively, start exploring, start smiling. You deserve to live the life you had always wished to create for yourself. Please, please take the first step towards living it, rightaway. God will take care of the rest, He will take care of you. ❤️

        Like

    1. And whoever I shared my story about, we are not on talking terms now. And I don’t bother about it either.

      I don’t blame him either, for whatever kind of person he is. That might be his way of living his life, his choices.

      But then I have got mine. And I will anyday choose letting go over holding a grudge towards someone and dismantling my inner peace.

      We should just get our priorities right, it’s all about WHAT we consider important enough to let it consume the space inside our heads. Or WHO, for that matter.

      Like

  7. Seems like the guy is a pervert. You should be careful before making friends. They might look nice, but the reality is something else. I hope you are doing good now 🙂

    Like

  8. This is the reality of some people. They come in your life just to hurt you and take advantage. I guess they have no soul in them to realise what they are doing to someone. You should think twice thrice before befriending such people. I hope you not in touch with him now and learnt your lesson. Keep smiling 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s